I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
