About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
