fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
