there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
