I never want to see another naked old woman again.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Randomize
