We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
