I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
