mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
did i just pee glitter
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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