Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Randomize
