From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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