I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
