you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
