Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
