yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
