Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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