Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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