I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
