I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
