Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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