ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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