Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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