One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
