i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
