just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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