you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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