so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
