And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Randomize
