In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
