His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
