my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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