I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
The ass gains better be worth it
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