you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
