There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
