chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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