remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I need to sanitize my soul.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
