I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
