i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
