Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
