My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
