Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
