Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
