Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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