your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
