i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
