There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
