I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
