We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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