I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
