I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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