ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
